Developing Your Teenager's Self-Esteem
Where basic needs and self-esteem meet
In this newsletter, we provide you with notes on Building Self Esteem In Your Teenage Daughter, an episode of The Wonder of Parenting - A Brain Science Approach to Parenting.
Michael Gurian and Tim Wright have over 30 years of experience using brain science research, best practices, and their own experiences as dads to help parents read, understand, and implement the gift of your child’s brain, the built-in how-to manual that will help you enjoy the wonder of parenting.
They are joined by Nellie Harden, a family life & leadership coach, and founder of The 6570 Family Project podcast.
Read our notes below.
Topics Covered in this Summary
Developing Your Teenager's Self-Esteem
Overcoming Roadblocks
The 5 Basic Needs of our Children
Developing Your Teenager’s Self-Esteem
Along with the physical changes of puberty, teenage girls frequently struggle with their self-esteem. Physical changes are only one aspect of puberty. The brain develops as well, affecting mood and confidence.
Many girls lose their confidence during puberty. Girls are more likely to blame themselves when something goes wrong, apologize when they are giving an opinion, overthink decisions and dwell on mistakes.
Each child is unique. Some children may develop self-esteem more easily than others. And some children face situations that can lower their self-esteem. Even if a child's self-esteem is low, it can be raised.
Here are things parents can do to help kids feel good about themselves:
Encourage the right mindset. The growth mindset is the belief that you can grow your ability with effort. This belief is great for kids — it helps them do better in school, seek harder challenges, and bounce back from failures – so encourage your children to develop it.
Compliment your teenage daughter carefully. You can help to build confidence in your teenage daughter by encouraging her growth mindset with compliments. But be careful how you do it. Praising results could make her feel pressured. She may feel she has to improve all the time and become nervous about failure. Instead, praise the way she goes about things.
Model Confidence. Your teen will learn the most about confidence based on what you do—not what you say. If you’re guilty of making critical statements about your body or your abilities, you’ll teach your child to do the same.
Build Self-Worth. Help your teen build a healthy and stable foundation for self-worth. Emphasize your values and teach that true self-worth is about living according to those values. Help them see that it’s more important to be kind and caring rather than thin or attractive.
Develop Positive Self-Talk. Point out how many thoughts aren’t true and help them see how being overly harsh can be detrimental. Teach them to re-frame irrational thoughts like, “I’m going to fail because I’m stupid,” with something more realistic like, “I can pass math class if I work hard.”
Overcoming Roadblocks
Every parent wants their children to be proud of themselves. We want them to overcome their low self-esteem and feel confident, letting go of negative self-talk, anxiety, and self-consciousness.
Roadblocks will arise from time to time. By anticipating some of these stumbling blocks, you may be able to help your teen navigate their way down the road to recovery much more easily.
Comparison, perfectionism, identity shifting, and people pleasing are some of the challenges our daughters face.
The 5 Basic Needs of our Children
There are five basic needs that our daughters need. As parents, we must guide them in understanding the means by which they can overcome roadblocks and considering these needs can assist.
The need to:
Be Seen. When your daughter feels seen by you, she may develop a sense of belonging. She will also gain a sense of being both a "me" who is seen and respected as well as part of a "we"- something larger than her solo self that does not require a compromise or the loss of her sense of being a unique individual.
Be Heard. Children can only participate and develop social agency if adults listen to them. By listening to our children, we can learn about them and what they believe is essential for their health and well-being.
Feel Loved. Disciplining teenage daughters might sometimes lead them to think that they no longer feel loved. As parents, use affection when disciplining your child. As you talk to them about what they did wrong, put your hand on their shoulder and hug them at the end of the conversation to show them that you still love them even if you aren't pleased with their behavior.
Sense of Belonging. If creating a sense of belonging is challenging for you, remember it is likely challenging for your daughter, as well. Give her the encouragement you would give yourself. Validate her, just like you need to validate your own action.
Purpose. The concept of "living with purpose" may be difficult for your daughter to grasp. Accept the challenge of participating in the conversation, recognizing her strengths, affirming who they are and how important they are, and leading by example.
Keep in mind that your daughter is watching everything you do. May you be a shining example of what it means to live a happy and meaningful life for your children.
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Listen to the original episode