Getting Teens to Communicate
Getting Teens to Communicate
Ways to Connect with Your Teenage Son When He Won’t Communicate
In this newsletter, we provide you with notes on How Do I Get My Teen Sons to Talk to Me?, an episode of Ask Lisa. The Psychology of Parenting with Dr. Lisa Damour.
Dr. Lisa Damour, an author of two New York Times best-selling books, takes your questions, along with her co-host Reena Ninan, a journalist and mom of two.
Read our notes below.
Topics Covered in this Summary
Why Teen Sons Don’t Talk to their Parents
How Do I Get My Son to Communicate
Dr. Lisa’s Parenting to Go
Why Teen Sons Don’t Talk to Their Parents
Raising a teenage son can be challenging. Parenting teen boys requires patience and empathy, as well as self-compassion. Teenage boy behavior can be particularly hard to navigate.
While teenage girls are more likely to talk about what they’re feeling, teenage boys tend to withdraw when they’re struggling. Boys are taught that speaking up is a girl thing to do and so that's one of the forces that can keep boys from talking.
Two of the most common questions asked are "Why my teen doesn't talk to me?" and “How do I get my teen to talk? All they do is grunt or give one-word answers.”
There’s no doubt about it; the teen years can be hard on family relationships. The sweet 8-year-old who once told you everything now has a life of his own. As hard as this is for parents to hear or accept, this is a normal part of adolescence.
Teens are supposed to separate from their parents, figure out who they are, and what values are important to them. This also means not telling their parents everything, so make sure you are realistic in your expectations of what they tell you.
How Do I Get My Son to Communicate
So often in parenting, we have this belief that if our kid is upset, the best and only solution is for us to ask them how they feel and then for us to say wise words to help them feel better. But, what we really want is to be open to the idea that there are lots of ways to help kids feel better about their feelings and even get them to communicate with us.
Here are some ways to build a connection while giving them the space that they need:
Give him time to process. Texting is a beautiful solution to this problem. They don't have to answer on the spot and it gives them room and time to be able to get back to us without being in the hot seat.
If we really want boys to get good at and feel comfortable talking about the feelings they have, the men in their lives need to be on the front lines of those conversations. It can be their dad, coaches, uncles, and other guys that they have contact with. That is the only way to really work against the idea that talking about feelings is a girl thing to do. Having male figures in their life talk about feelings and emotions can help them feel that it’s okay to be vulnerable.
Dr. Lisa’s Parenting to Go
If your child is developing normally as a teenager, the question we want to be asking is, “Has my kid stopped talking to everybody?". So if they're not talking to you and they're not texting or hanging out with any friends, that’s a major red flag that something's wrong.
Teenagers may not always want to talk to us or know the answers to our questions, but they get a sense of safety and security when parents are around, and they might eventually express their feelings.
Hang in there and don’t give up. Stay present and involved.
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Listen to the original episode