How To Respond to Children When they Lie
How To Respond to Children When they Lie
Building honesty and trust with your child.
In this newsletter, we provide you with notes on How to respond to children when they lie, an episode of Talking Sense with Dr. Martha.
Host Dr. Martha is a clinical psychologist and mother. She puts a thought provoking lens on child behaviour that all parents witness and see every day and helps to support you and your child.
Read our notes below.
Topics Covered in this Summary
Why Kids Lie
What to Do When Your Child is Lying
What to Avoid When Your Child is Lying
3 Learning Points from Dr. Martha
Why Kids Lie
As much as we would like to believe that our children will always tell the truth, the reality is that most children experiment with lying at some point.
Parents should remember that lying is a normal part of child development and that most children outgrow this behaviour.
When dealing with this common problem, parents should look at how old the child is, what happened, why the child lied, and how often the child lies. For instance, children under 5 cannot distinguish between fiction and reality, therefore their "lying" may just be their imagination.
Children do not lie with the intent to deceive until they are 6 or 7 years old, according to research. They must have sufficient social communication skills and social intelligence to understand what it means to deceive someone.
With that said, here are some more reasons why children lie:
They are not attempting to deceive you, but rather to remain on your good side
Protecting their relationship with you
They are avoiding disappointing you
Avoiding something they don’t want to do
What to Do When Your Child is Lying
It can be difficult to determine whether or not a child is being truthful, and even more difficult to decide what to do about it.
It is important to encourage children and help them understand the difference between the truth and a lie. You can do this by stressing the importance of honesty in your family and making sure your kids know what will happen if they lie.
Here are some tips:
Help your child avoid situations where they feel the need to lie. For example, if you ask your child if they spilled the milk, your child might feel tempted to lie. To avoid this situation, you could just say, "I see there’s been an accident with the milk. Let’s clean it up.”
Praise your child for admitting wrongdoing. "I'm delighted you told me what happened" for instance. Let's work together to resolve matters.
Be a role model for telling the truth. For example, “I made a mistake in a report I wrote for work today. I told my boss so we could fix it.”
Have an open discussion about what is causing them to distance themselves from us. We are attempting to convey the message that you can trust me, even if you have done something wrong, and that I am here for you.
What to Avoid When Your Child is Lying
Avoid becoming upset. Instead, deal with the situation in a way that will help you get the result you want.
Below are examples of what to avoid when we catch our child lying:
Calling your child a liar is unfair. This could be worse than a lie. Why your child lied is simpler to deal with than labeling them a liar. A child's parents' label can last and it will make them feel horrible and start lying more.
Avoid cornering your child. Your child lied, plain and simple. Once you find your child lied, calmly explain the situation that caused them to lie. But also emphasize why lying is wrong.
In addition, staying positive and avoiding lecturing can help with this situation. Turn it into a positive learning experience. It's better to teach them why they shouldn't lie and how to handle future situations. Reinforce the fact that everyone makes mistakes and you still love them.
3 Learning Points from Dr. Martha
Young children lie to protect their parents, their motives are rarely to trick you; rather, they tell you these lies with the purpose of shielding you from something that they do not want you to see.
Never bait your child, and if you try to catch them, you are teaching them to lie. Instead, help them understand what you're trying to teach them.
Focus on what matters, which is starting a conversation, becoming curious about what your child is afraid of, and figuring out how you can work together to build trust.