Setting Clear and Healthy Boundaries
Setting Clear and Healthy Boundaries
How to Set Clear Boundaries with Sensitivity
In this newsletter, we provide you with notes on How to Set Clear Boundaries with Sensitivity with Dr. Joshua Sparrow, an episode of Raising Good Humans.
Hosted by Dr. Aliza Pressman, a developmental psychologist with over 15 years of experience working with families and the creator of the Raising Good Humans Podcast. She is joined by Dr. Joshua Sparrow, a child psychiatrist, clinical professor of psychiatry at the Harvard Medical School, and supervisor for outpatient psychiatry services at Children's Hospital Boston.
Read our notes on setting clear boundaries while remaining emotionally sensitive.
Topics Covered in this Summary
Boundaries vs. Limits: What is the difference?
Discussing Inter-generational Boundaries
Setting Clear and Healthy Boundaries
Boundaries vs. Limits: What is the difference?
Boundaries and limits are two separate things.
You set a boundary on what you will or will not do and a rule or limit on what you want your children to do or not to do. You are controlling your own behavior in response to what your child does rather than directly trying to control your child's behavior.
Set out below is an example of each:
Boundaries
If your child doesn’t want you stay in the room with them until they feel better, then you have to acknowledge that. That’s a boundary between you and your child. You may give them space and check in later to see if it works for them.
Many people have the wrong idea about boundaries, that it's putting up walls between people and getting in the way of relationships. But, it’s more about learning what’s going on with you and the other person and in what ways you can connect that will work for both of you.
Limits
Your child raises their voice to you. You tell them that they are crossing the line.
It can be a restriction, or the line which one should not cross.
Limit is about a specific behavior that is a transgression of a rule or an agreement, whereas the boundary is figuring out the space between you and the other person.
Discussing Inter-generational Boundaries
Boundaries within families. There's the parent generation and the child generation, and there are some things that should only happen between the parents that children should not be brought into.
For instance, if you just had a fight with your partner, you're mad, and having trouble containing yourself, it might be tempting to draw your child into your disagreement. Instead, talk with your partner privately, and figure out a way to make things right.
Kids are observing the process of the adults arguing, they are smart. You don’t have to hide that there is a process but there are things that parents need to hold for themselves and not invite the child into the situation.
Setting Clear and Healthy Boundaries
Healthy limits and boundaries allow a child to feel secure and are just as important as close connections.
Allow your child to experience uncomfortable feelings. If they don't have those experiences, the world has got to be a scary place for them.
Let go a bit from fixing your child’s feelings. If we jump right into fixing the feeling, there's some message that not only do we think they’re incapable of handling their emotions, but also that they shouldn't be feeling that certain way.
Support their independence. Your child will learn responsibility when you allow them to do things for themselves. Let them interact with the world so they can learn how to handle it themselves.
Part of what gives children the feeling that they can work on handling stress, anxiety, fear, or big feelings is knowing that their parents are there, will always be there, and will always care.
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Listen to the original episode