The Fine Line Between Caring and Spoiling
The Fine Line Between Caring and Spoiling
Meeting our Children's Needs
In this newsletter, we provide you with notes on Where is the Line Between Caring and Spoiling?, an episode of Talking Sense with Dr. Martha.
Host Dr. Martha is a clinical psychologist and a mother. She puts a thought-provoking lens on child behavior that all parents witness every day and helps to support you and your child.
Read our notes below.
Topics Covered in this Summary
The Fine Line Between Caring and Spoiling Children
Where Do We Draw the Line?
Important Things to Remember
The Fine Line Between Caring and Spoiling Children
When you love your kids, it’s only natural that you want to show that you care for them. But it's really important that we separate meeting our child's needs from the idea of spoiling them.
Children need to feel comforted, soothed, and loved by showing them some care. This type of caregiving does not breed entitlement. What it is, though, is tuning into your child's needs. We can't spoil our children with love, nurturing, or care.
When a child asks for something they need, they're not going to become entitled if you meet their request. Instead, they're going to have their distress met with support, empathy, and warmth, and that's going to shrink the anxiety in their body, and in their nervous system, and allow them to keep going.
The things that might spoil children are things like always getting what they want, and it's often about objects, toys, or getting the latest gadget. Those are not essential needs, and that’s the kind of thing that creates entitlement.
Where Do We Draw the Line?
As parents, sometimes it’s hard for us to say no to our children. But when they always get everything they want, children are most likely to grow up spoiled and self-centered.
How do you show your children affection while also teaching them gratitude?
To answer this question, here are some principles to keep in mind:
Set some limits. We can sit with them through it so that they can learn that sometimes things are unfair and things will not always go their way, and that’s okay.
If your child is developing a bad habit and it's unhelpful in some way, think about how you can be helpful to your child, but take it one step back. You’re still going to be there to offer that care but encourage your child. You may gently say ‘’I know you’re capable, so I want you to do a little bit of this, but I will remain by your side.’’
What makes children entitled is having no boundaries, no limits, no rules, and having access to everything they want so as not to feel pain, displeasure, disappointment, or have a tantrum.
Important Things to Remember
We can never spoil our children with our love, affection, or our nurturing.
When we meet our children's needs, we strengthen their emotional capacity.
What we do is make ourselves reliable, and be their safe person, which is ultimately what our children need when they struggle to handle a situation.
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Listen to the original episode