Understanding your Child's Behaviour
Understanding your Child's Behaviour
What All Kids Want to Know
In this newsletter, we provide you with notes on Do You Hear Me? Do You See Me? Do I Matter?, an episode of Play Therapy Parenting Podcast.
Hosted by Dr. Brenna Hicks, creator of the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast, the path to calm, confident, and in-control parenting. She is also the owner of The Kid Counselor Center and The Family Counselor Center.
Read our notes below.
Topics Covered in this Summary
The “Be with” Attitudes
The Behavior Spectrum
Labels We Put on Our Children’s Behavior
The “Be with” Attitudes
Forming a connection with your child is important to developing a strong parent-child relationship.
Dr. Brenna Hicks shares a quote from L.R. Knost, “Every Day, in a 100 small ways, our children ask, ‘Do you hear me? Do you see me? Do I matter?’ Their behavior often reflects our response.” But, to be clear, our children are not always verbal, and they express their feelings in different ways.
So when our kids are asking us these questions, if they feel that the answers are no, their behavior reflects that. They may act out, seek attention, argue, or be difficult.
“Be-With” Attitudes include:
Your intent in your actions, presence, and responses is what is most important and should convey to your child: “I am here—I hear you—I understand—I care—I believe in you.”
Our children behave differently when they know that they're loved no matter what.
The Behavior Spectrum
The behavior spectrum is cyclical. Our child behaves a certain way, which causes us to behave a certain way, then our behavior influences their behavior in response, and that behavior influences our behavior. You can see how it is a cycle that can be very unhealthy, very quickly.
If our children are disobedient and we respond by ignoring them, punishing them, or blaming them, and they feel those things, they behave in self-defeating ways because they feel like they’re not being understood, which perpetuates the cycle.
So when you see a pattern of behavior where they are dysregulated, it's a cue that they’re hurt, and it is often a reflection of our response to them. If we don't handle that effectively, they will behave in negative, attention-seeking ways just so that they can get the attention that they need and want.
Labels We Put on Our Children’s Behavior
The reality is, children's behavior reflects the way that we respond to them, and it’s amazing how all of these things are connected.
Children need to be seen, heard, and felt to matter. That's all they crave. Kids don't need a whole lot, but they want to feel that they’re being accepted and loved unconditionally.
Therefore, the labels do not define who the child is. The label is how we're explaining their behavior, and because of that, we're not taking into account how our behavior is impacting their behavior, but we have to be aware of our response to them.
The challenge is to respond in a way that reinforces the ‘’be with’’ attitude. Any behavior can be resolved when a child feels that, because they behave based on the nature of the relationship.
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Listen to the original episode